“Very few singing stars can play a decent guitar solo.”
The Other Newspaper is on the acting school where the applicant Mia Fountain is getting ready to improvise for two minutes from the cue a happy Swiss. Like many others who aspire to be actors, she is highly critical of whether the happy Swiss can be played at all. She loudly states in front of a silent jury how difficult the improvisation will be. The three judges look despondent, then compassionate and eventually discouraged.
Then follows a breathing exercise. The silence after the stream of reasonable objections is striking. Then she begins.
It’s a remarkably poor performance she delivers. The four languages work out well. But why does she walk like a bird? The timing is wonderful. But why does she use the judges’ personal belongings as props? Oh no. Now she calls her bank and makes an arrangement about a major financial adventure: The establishment of an import company for white goods.
Mia, you were admitted. Congratulations.
Thanks to your initiative, this acting school can now make money for many years in the future on white goods. Your new principal, whom I have just interviewed, says that it is incredible every time an improvisation does this.
Yes. It’s actually more than that. It’s perlocutionary.
(Most articles on The Other Newspaper are fictitious. The purpose of The Other Newspaper is to give the public a new, disturbing and humorous reflection of the way we consume news on traditional media and posts on the social media that make the recipient question whether the world needs to change and whether one can live online.)